I have a lot of debt.
I mean, a lot of it. Over $370,000. Of that, over $200,000 is student loans, and about $120,000 is my mortgage. The rest is credit cards and loans.
I’ve spent all of my adult life chasing money. I have spent more sleepless nights than I can count, trying to figure out how to “rob Peter to pay Paul” as my mother always said. I’ve floated bad checks, hoping they won’t clear until payday. I’ve taken payday loans. I’ve never been unemployed. I’ve never lived extravagantly. I don’t take vacations. I got my masters degree, and worked the whole time, assuming my salary would skyrocket once I had that degree. (Spoiler: It didn’t.) I’ve worked as many as 4 jobs at a time. I’ve never been “too good” for anything — I’ve been a barista, a nanny, a dog sitter. I’ve worked office jobs, higher ed jobs, and service positions.
I’ve never been able to get ahead of it.
Now, over 40, with a great job that I actually really enjoy, and a very solid salary…from the outside everything looks great. But my debt feels absolutely overwhelming. My credit is totally shot. I am not eligible for a refinance loan for my home, which needs thousands of dollars worth of work. I have no savings.
I can afford Christmas for my kids, and I can afford groceries and clothes and everyday things, and I recognize I am much luckier than many other folks. But my debt payments are so dominating at this point that most of my salary goes to debt. I’m unable to build savings. I can’t prepare for an emergency. As my 100 year old house breaks down around me, I have no way to pay for any of it. I don’t qualify for HELOC loans or refinance or project credit cards, and I don’t have the cash to pay for anything out of pocket.
I work hard. I’ve always had a job, since I was 16. I’m not a moron.
What I am is uneducated about how to manage money. I didn’t understand the implications of student loans, and the disparity between the amount of loans I was taking and the amount of salary I would be able to have after my MA was earned. I was never taught how to pay down debt, or how to save. My mother was terrible with money, and she passed that down to me. No one ever told me that debt was dangerous, or that student loans would follow me throughout my entire adult life.
I think one of the parts of debt that we don’t discuss enough is the shame. The guilt of not having the financial footing that you think you should have by a certain age. The embarrassment of not being able to afford basic home repairs, or take your kids on vacation, or donate to a cause you feel passionate about. The shame makes you retreat, it makes you feel like you’re not as much a part of the world as you want to be. It makes you constantly, frantically, figure out how to get more money, how to make all of this go away quicker.
The shame takes over your life. And people are happy to encourage that shame.
We talk about debt in this country like it’s a moral failing. We say people don’t deserve student loan forgiveness, that it’s their fault they’re in this situation. We say that people should learn to live within their means, that they should make better choices. We make debt about whether you’re a good person or a bad person. We shame the fuck out of people for not making enough, for becoming unemployed, for not being financially educated.
I don’t feel like my story is all that unique. There are so many of us in this country that have overwhelming debt. We are not bad people. We are not uneducated people. We are people who work hard, who are employed, who pay their bills on time. We are people who want to do the best for themselves and their families. And we are terrified that no matter what we do, we will never get out from under the burden of our debts.
I have recently done a debt consolidation for my credit cards, and I am part of the PSLF program to hopefully eventually have my student loans forgiven after 10 years of payments. My job is good, and I am working to be more educated about money. Eventually, if I continue to have a good job and don’t get into more debt, I will get out of this situation.
But I want people to understand that the economic and educational system in this country is broken. College shouldn’t cost what it does. There should be a universal basic income to allow people some freedom to choose their path in life. Credit scores should not be wielded as punishment. It shouldn’t be so hard to just live your life. Debt ruins lives. Debt holds people back. And it IS a crisis in this country. Inequity will continue to grow and grow, if we cannot change the systems that create these situations.
